More Articles
Your Personal Plan for Health
Noni
Preferred Membership
|
I wanted
to write something that was practical about love.
Something you can grasp and do something with. Too
often the topic of love is so wispy and ethereal.
Like eating cotton candy – taste but no substance.
As I have pondered and wrestled with this issue
(and of course, done a lot of reading), I have come
upon some wisdom and advise that feels good to me.
I am no expert. I struggle as much as many of you.
We certainly all want to be encircled in love’s
embrace. But too many of us go about it all wrong.
The grand secret to love is not in the receiving,
but in the giving. It is in giving love that we
receive love.
The
biblical adage that we should love our neighbor
as our self implies two things. First it suggests
that we love others but balances this with loving
yourself. Of course, the inverse is not true. If
you hate yourself, you are not justified in despising
others. Nor should you confuse giving love to being
a doormat who subjugates what is in your own best
interest to the whims and desires of those whose
affection you seek. Like so many rules in relationships,
whenever abuse comes in to the picture, you are
playing a different game. The supposition that both
parties are striving for what is best for each other
as well as the relationship is paramount to success.
The
Eastern philosophy of giving love is to first fill
yourself with love and then you will have an abundance
to share with others. If you do not love yourself,
then giving to others will become wearisome and
deplete your energy. This is commonly seen in care-givers,
particularly exhausted mothers who are constantly
giving to their children and spouse and everyone
else and getting little in return. Too many are
moving through life burned out and growing increasingly
angry and frustrated that they are giving, giving,
giving with minimal return. You must first care
for and love yourself. It is only then that you
will have love that will overflow from within and
can be poured and showered on others without depleting
your own life-force.
I would
like to discuss two aspect of love. First, how to
love yourself and then how to love others.
LOVING YOURSELF
I
have discovered that there are certain shortcuts
to love and to the happiness that you must have
in order to love.
First,
make love and happiness priorities in your life.
The pursuit of love and happiness often seems to
be more tangential than focused. We put a vast amount
of time, energy, and money into educating ourselves
and pursuing careers, into shopping for furniture,
clothes, and vehicles. But we don’t expend
nearly as much effort to establish a basis for love,
happiness, and peace of mind. The decision to put
real, focused energy into making love and happiness
active states of mind can truly transform your life.
Write down as a goal or affirmation that you bring
love and happiness into your life.
Secondly,
you must learn to be present in each unfolding moment.
Instead of living in the past or worrying about
the future, make every attempt to concentrate on
“right now,” because happiness and love
are both in the present moment. This may seem like
an abstract principle but it is not. It is so easy
and so tempting to let your mind wander into fear,
anxiety and worry. It takes practice and discipline
to keep your mind focused in the present. Many of
us have a smorgasbord of mental escapes we meander
to when we have mental down time or are bored. There
are many strategies that can be used when your mind
begins to entertain thoughts and ideas that are
not productive. One is to verbally or mental, say
DELETE – DELETE. Then shift your mind to something
more worthwhile. This takes practice and is not
easy. Don’t be too hard on yourself, just
be persistent. You are developing a new habit, but
one that will lead you to a life more filled with
love.
Third,
be aware of when you are judging others harshly.
Try to let go of those judgments, because they are
walls between people. Judgments create hostility,
while letting go of judgment allows you to embrace
and love others. If you lead with love, others respond
with love. The older I get, the more I realize that
most people are good and want the same things I
want. I also understand that none of us are perfect
and we all struggle. When we view others with compassion,
we are much more likely to experience good feeling
within.
Next
is gratitude, - a wonderful precursor to happiness
and love. As you go through your daily activities,
allow yourself to look for substance and abundance,
rather than focusing on what is lacking. This attitude
goes a long way toward opening your heart, your
mind, and your spirit to happy, loving feelings.
Since gratitude is both an attitude as well as a
practice, it will take time to integrate this into
your character. The trait of gratitude must become
truly yours, and not something you simply read and
forget. Consciously cultivating thankfulness is
a journey of the soul. It begins by noticing those
around us to whom gratefulness comes easily and
realize how much we enjoy being around them. You
also tap into this feeling when you think of times
in the past that you were particularly grateful.
You will find that being grateful for something
is not remote or foreign, but part of the natural
joyful expression of our lives.
Gratitude
is a spiritual principle. Cultivating an attitude
of gratitude is the key to living from an open heart,
that is, living in a spirit of joyful expectation.
One of the incredible truths about gratitude is
that it is impossible to feel both the positive
emotion of thankfulness and a negative emotion such
as anger or fear at the same time. Gratitude creates
only positive feelings – love, compassion,
joy, and hope. As we focus on what we are thankful
for, fear, anger, and bitterness simply melt away,
seemingly without effort. This is because gratitude
helps us track success and take notice what is right
in our lives.
Say Thank
You as often as possible –
it is a sign of being civilized and acknowledges
others in a positive way. Look for excuses to verbalize
your appreciation.
Send a thank
you card or note. – Try doing
it every day for a week. Send an email of thanks.
Write a list
of what you are thankful for. Keep it close at hand
to review whenever you are feeling down.
Complement
others as often as you can. A sincere
complement or expression of gratitude in private
warms hearts and builds bonds of friendship.
Appreciate
the beauty of nature. Look for the
good. Look for the beautiful and sublime.
And
finally, strive for authenticity in both thought
and action. One of the great causes of alienation
from both others and ourselves is that we avoid
presenting who we really are. We often do so for
the best of reasons – we don’t want
to reveal who we are because we’re afraid
of rejection. But the result is an incredible amount
of internal dissonance between the masks and roles
we create and our real feelings. By peeling away
the masks, dropping the roles, and sharing our true
feelings, we can make real connections with our
inner selves and with others. Take the risk of being
yourself, with all of the goofiness, quirkiness
and outlook on life that you uniquely possess. I
promise, that people will love you more for who
you really are than for a false image you may portray
of what you think people want you to be.
LOVING OTHERS
Loving
others goes hand in hand with loving yourself. As
we show love to others, others will in turn be more
loving to us.
Deepak
Chopra counsels: “And so the way to fill your
life with love is very simple: if you want more
love, give more love. In offering love to others,
we ensure that this is always plenty for ourselves.
As long as we are giving love, there is no need
to worry about getting enough.”
There
are specific ways you can participate in the energy
flow of love. Humans have three profound needs:
appreciation, attention, and affection. Attending
to these needs brings more love into your life on
a day-to-day, moment-to-moment basis.
Appreciation
means telling others that you care for and treasure
them. It’s important to express this appreciation
as often as you can. I try my best to find something
special to honor and admire in every human being
I encounter. I think it’s only right to tell
people what I see. My action satisfies my need to
appreciate as well as their need to be appreciated.
Expressing sincere gratitude at every opportunity
is a habit well worth developing. Expressing appreciation
is great positive reinforcement that also helps
to shape behavior in other. In fact, this is how
dogs and children, for that matter, are trained.
Attention
is the ability to listen with the totality of your
being. It means taking the time to be truly present
to others instead of being distracted by your own
thoughts or letting your mind wander. In my own
life, I try my best to be fully present, whether
I’m with a waitress, one of my patients, a
family member, someone I work with, a friend, or
someone on the other end of the phone. The other
person deserves my undivided attention. And when
I offer it, both of us are served. Learning this
skill really takes practice. It is so easy to tune
other people out and only give them partial attention.
Experiment with this. As you focus on others, they
will perceive that you love and care for them more,
and in reality, by focusing more on others when
you are engaged with them, you will love them more.
Affection
is touching somebody in a loving manner. It means
showing someone, in an open, loving way that I care
for him or her. Showing affection, with gentle gestures
and touches, is a wonderful way to fill your life
with love. A simple handclasp, a light stroking,
a big bear-hug keep the energy of love flowing in
both people’s lives. Many are not comfortable
being too touchy-feely. Those who are unaccustomed
to touching or being touched in casual and loving
ways may feel an aversion initially. But be persistent
and soon you will enjoy the gentle pat, rub of a
shoulder and hug. Remember, you are learning behaviors
that will not only give love to others but bring
love into your life.
My
best advice is this. With every encounter, with
every single human being you meet, ask yourself
one simple question: “What can I give this
person?” Don’t be concerned with what
you can get back, but focus entirely on what you
can do for him or her. If you start bringing love
into your life, consciously and deliberately filling
your life with love, you begin to see miracles all
around you. Your life becomes an expression of love,
and you see things you never thought possible happening
in both your inner and your out life. If you strive
to give love, love will come to you.
And
so the first step of bring more love into your life
is working on yourself. Internal work. Making a
conscious decision that you will bring love and
happiness into your life, controlling your thoughts,
avoiding critical judgment of others, feeling gratitude
by reflecting on your blessings each day and opening
yourself to express the person you really are deep
down in side.
Secondly,
you will bring more love in to your life by expressing
appreciation to others, giving your undivided attention
when with them and showing affection.
LOVE IS A VERB
Saint Francis said, “It’s time to love
instead of looking to be loved.” If we love,
we’ll be more loved than we ever imagined.
Love is a choice. In our culture,
love is viewed as a passive experience, something
that just “happens to you.” Love is
a choice; it doesn’t just happen. But to love,
you must first find the happiness within yourself,
because when you are unhappy, you are not loving.
Once you learn to be happy, you can learn to open
your heart to loving. Then, when you bring happiness
alive in your own life as well as in the lives of
others, you are able to love and be loved in return.
We
have learned to become beggars of love. We hold
out our cups, asking people to love us – “Will
you please love me?” – because we believe
that we will feel better if people love us. There
are many unhappy people who are loved by family
and friends, yet they do not enjoy love in their
lives. Being loved by parent or anyone else for
that matter will not make you a loving person. In
order to experience a life of love, we must first
give ourselves the experience of love inside, and
give love to others.
This
word love needs to become a verb rather than a noun.
It’s something that you do, a sacrifice you
make. This is an exciting new thought. If love is
truly a verb, then you can do something about it.
But if love is just a feeling, you feel almost helpless
because you think you have no control over your
feelings. Ultimately, your feelings are a function
of your actions. Since you have control our your
actions, you therefore have control over your feelings.
As you gradually discover this, you gain the maturity
to love – whether you are loved in return
or not.
Love
is more than thought and feeling. Love is behavior.
It means spending time with our children as they
struggle bravely to read. It means being with friends
as we allow them the space and opportunity to share
their lives, their dreams, and sometimes their tears.
It means really trying to see things through another’s
eyes. We become renewed by giving our love away
– in our relationships, our work, our communities,
and most important, to ourselves.
Learning
to love more effectively merely involves performing
and practicing like an actor or an athlete. When
someone says to actors or athletes, “Oh, you’re
such a lucky person to be born with this skill,”
the actor or athlete will look at the person and
say, “Wait a minute, I am a wonderful performer
or athlete, not because I was born with this skill,
but because I spent a lot of time practicing and
rehearsing and working my way up.” Becoming
a lover works exactly the same way – rehearsing
and practicing.
We
sit, sometimes as a family and sometimes individually,
and ask questions of one another, such as, “What
went right today?” “ What was the most
loving act that you witnessed?” What was the
most loving thing you did for someone else today?”
These questions help us think about the importance
of love and remind us that there is good in the
world – if we look for it. As we consciously
consider the love in our lives, reflecting on love
and loving choices, our lives can’t help but
be filled with love. Love becomes a habit.
If our attention is focused on what is precious,
we will see more of the good in life. It’s
not always easy, but it is pretty simple.
And
so there you have it. Simple but not easy. Becoming
a follower or a disciple of love requires discipline.
It takes effort and practice. But with persistence
being a person who both gives and receives love
in abundance can become a habit.
~ Dr. Kyle D. Christensen D.C.
~
|
"Herbal
first Aid is insightful, clear, and an easy to follow
resource book on herbs. It covers herbal lifesaving
techniques, storage of herbal remedies and ancient
herbal wisdom. This book is a must for alternative
health practitioners and I am looking forward to
having it in my collection of books on remedies
and first aid". - Ellen w. Cutler, D.C. Author
of The Food Allergy Cure
|
